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*Warning: This review contains spoilers*

Believe it or not, when I was growing up I never really watched G.I. Joe. If I remember correctly I had a scheduling conflict with it. Thundercats was on at the same time...or maybe it was SilverHawks...whatever I just remember there was another cartoon I liked on at that same time G.I. Joe was. The end result being that I went into the movie without any expectations or past attachment to a cartoon.

Unfortunately, I think that played against my enjoyment of the movie. Stephen Sommers tries to create a movie that's full of little loyal moments to the cartoon, which is nice for people who want that nostalgic feeling, but does very little for the actual movie itself. G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra stars Channing Tatum and Marlon Waynes as two soldiers who push their way into a special forces program called, G.I. Joe. The team is run by General Hawk, played by Dennis Quaid. The film follows that special team on their quest to retrieve stolen "nanomite" missiles, taken by Baroness Ana (Sienna Miller) and Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee).

The Ups
Unlike a few reviews I've read, I actually liked the main plot in this movie. I thought it suited a live action rendition of a cartoon. Simplistic and easy to follow. I do agree there were negative areas involving the plot, but I'll get to that later. The simplicity of the plot revolves around missiles filled with 'nanomites', which are essentially tiny mechanically engineered bugs. The bugs are capable of endlessly destroying anything in their path, how else? By eating through it of course, until a switch is tripped which short circuts them. There plot finished. I mean, yes, there are other sub-plots going on, but this is the main plot which everything else and much of the action revolves around.

Some of the action that surrounds the plot is also nice. Emphasis on some. While some of the action in this film definitely veered into high levels of cheese, one aspect which I really liked was the story regarding Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Out of all the flashbacks, which there are quite a few, I liked these the best. They not only give us a good back story, but give us a glimpse into each of the character's true nature, not to mention some very cool fight scenes between two young kids. If you've ever wondered what it would be like to see a very grown up fight scene done by a couple of kids, (involving trying to set the other on fire and butcher knifes) this film is for you.

Zartan, Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow are also the lone redeeming factors about this movie when it comes to the acting. Which is saying something since one is silent. I thought Jyung-hun Lee did a great job as Storm Shadow and the action Ray Park, who previously played Darth Maul in Star Wars: Episode I, brought as Snake Eyes was very entertaining and incredible to watch. Zartan, played by Arnold Vasloo, is involved in another subplot which I think was done for the sole purpose of setting up the premise for a sequel. Regardless of the reason, Vasloo gives a solid performance.

The Downs
The acting, the acting and the acting. Did I mention the acting? Oh man, this is one of those movies that makes you almost wish it had a bad plot so you could partly blame the horrible level of acting on the horrible plot. In this case though, as I mentioned before G.I. Joe actually has a decent plot for the level of movie it is, it's just very poorly executed. In which case, I don't blame the plot. I don't blame the Ferrari when the driver can't drive. Or in this case the Honda Civic. Whatever the car though, the cast definitely could not drive this movie to any modicum of success. Especially when it comes to Channing Tatum.

Channing Tatum's acting skills remind me of a type of person I think everybody has in their dating past. The kind of person who is so very nice to look at...until they open their mouth. Which is a bad thing for this movie since he's the main character, and he's opening his mouth quite a bit. His good looks and physique provide eye candy for the young girls. But for anyone else, especially the moviegoer who wants the ability to act to go along with the looks, he provides the nails that slowly go down a chalkboard. The love story between his character and the Baroness, was palatable only because of Miller's performance which was o.k., but nowhere near as bad as Tatum's.

With that said though, there were weak areas of the plot. (Although I'm listing the plot under the good things for this movie because I feel that the main plot wasn't too bad.) For instance, the love story between "Scarlett" and Ripcord, which was filled with every stereotypical, rigid-supersmart-person-falls-for-the-reckless-carefree-person angle there was. Complete with the crying scene after the nerd loses a fight, where the nerd tells the free spirit that her daddy wanted her to be perfect. The free spirit then tells the nerd that fighting is not about being perfect, but about getting back up after you're knocked down. No, I'm not kidding. And yes, it really was that bad on screen.

It wasn't helped by Marlon Waynes' acting either, but unlike Channing Tatum, Waynes has the almost charming/goofy quality which doesn't make his acting blow that badly in this setting. But it still blows. Another area I thought the plot could have done without was the "clan McCullen" storyline which starts in the 1600's?? The Destro part I get, the part where McCullen(Chistopher Eccleston)has a mask his ancestor once wore because he sold weapons to both sides just like the present day McCullen does was somewhat corny.

The other factor which I wasn't crazy about were the effects in this movie. Yes, some were cool and nice to look at but there was a lot of moments where I thought they were just done badly. For example, there was an action sequence where after jumping over several cars in their accelerator suits, Tatum and Waynes weren't even done in the proper scale, giving them the appearance of being midgets. I think moments like these, although quick, distract from the overall flow of the film. It's like getting Micheal without the Bay. It also adds a sense of amateurish or unfinished quality which really shouldn't be in a big Hollywood production like G.I. Joe.

The Wrap-Up
G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra is a good movie if all you're looking for is a simple, nostalgic night at the movies with an old cartoon friend of yours. Even then, I would recommend waiting until a matinee to go see this particular cartoon friend. It's a movie I would have loved if I was 10, and for most audiences who go to take their kids around that age, it will serve it's purpose. However for the older and more mature fan of G.I. Joe, Rise of the Cobra's reminiscent feelings come with a heavy dose of bad acting, bad special effects and painfully stereotypical characters. I know this sucks to hear, but I figured I'd let you know...since knowing is half the battle. (sorry, I couldn't help myself)

The Final Score
6.0 out of 10